This morning, after much consideration and reflection, I decided to take money from Wall Street after all. I arrived at this conclusion after realizing that the only way to win elections in America is through unaccountable and untraceable money. After all, like the famous philosopher Christopher Wallace once said, when it comes to DC politics, it’s all about the Benjamins.
But don’t worry, trust the plan! I will do the one thing that no other politician has done which is to retain my principle even though I am being showered with oligarchy cash. Sure I am going to take Monsanto money, but you betcha I will stand up for health care while getting in bed with the same company that is poisoning our children. No need to fret that I am going to accept Exxon-Mobil bribes, I mean campaign contributions, but you best believe that I will be tweeting #SaveOurEarth or #GreenNewDrill while having my soon to be lavish lifestyle financed by fossil fuel mega-corporations.
Most importantly, I will stand up for workers, that you can take to the same bank I will be depositing my kickbacks from Amazon at. Remember how I said that I will be running a very unconventional campaign? Well here is all the proof you need, a few days ago I noted that I will not take a penny from corporations, instead of waiting after I get elected to break my campaign promises, I am making modifications in the midst of campaign season. This is change you can believe and while I count my dollars! #YesICan
If you can’t beat them, you must join’em. That is why I decided to take Wall Street money in order to take on Wall Street. Trust the plan. #Fikre4Congress #Fikre4VATweet
If you fret that I am going to end up being like every other politician who promised to change DC only to be changed by DC, all I can tell you my fellow Virginians is that everything is going to be A-OC, I mean I-OK. My name is Teddy Fikre and I am running for Congress. You can find out more about my duopoly inspired change of mind in the video below which is posted on our newly launched TikTok campaign channel. Remind me again, what is today’s date? 😉